Jan 98 - Jan 09Tejah
(below as told to Vixen)
So. That sucked. Mike was supposed to go with us, but he got stuck in a meeting so I went to the vet alone. She felt something up in her upper stomach area but couldn't be positive it wasn't just food. Yeah, well. I know my luck and just knew. I knew it was more than just her hips/back before Xmas. So when she said that...I just knew but was still hopeful bc she said arthritis can be just as painful in an old dog. I was there for 2 1/2 hours waiting for everything to happen. The thing of it tho was that with Mike going, it would be 'over' in one trip. Well, she came in with the Xrays and pointed out the tumor. Size of about 2 tennis balls. Really big pushing on her other organs and 'bleeding'. The vet said the cylce was that she'd chase the ball or something like that & it would bleed out & be really painful. Then as she rested (which was when she was feeling super bad) her body would...fuck. The word escapes me - soak the blood back into her system. Then she'd feel better. But it was so big that we needed to do something ASAP. Put her down or Sx and she said the Sx just wouldn't be worth it. That she's old and you have to factor in the whole 'suriving the surgery' to 'quality of life afterwards' & that she'd never be her old self.
I was fine until she waited for a decision and I went to explain, "My husband was supposed to be here" and I started crying. She was so nice tho. She's the first vet that like...understood. Know what I mean? She hugged me & said she was sorry. I said I'd take her home & then we'd come back tomorrow. She made it clear that Tejah wasn't to play ball or anything, that the threat of it bursting and her bleeding to death internally was high. So, of course, besides crying on the way to the vet, I really balled coming home. Mike was there and I walked in crying. When he found out she had a tumor, he sorta asked why I just didn't 'do it'. Hello - I told him I couldn't do that alone! So, she was feeling bad again - probably from all the getting in & out of the car etc etc and he just said we needed to do this. He was fine until he *really* accepted it. Then he was crying & crying & sobbing - which, of course, made me cry 10x worse!!! He laid next to her & just petted her & cried & talked to her. It was so sad :( :( He did that for a good hour and then I said that the worse was yet to come. He realized what I meant and he totally choked and said he couldn't do it. He couldn't watch her die. I said I was NOT letting her die alone with strangers. That she deserved to be not scared. He just cried more & more. He then called the vet's to see when the latest we could do it was, bc at this point, it meant her being in pain a whole other day and us having to go thru *this* all over again the next day (which would have been today). The vet said she would do it at 6pm (they close at 7pm) so we headed out & showed up. Both crying.
They were sooo nice tho. Had a blanket out for her and we called her over & she came. Layed down when we told her to. The vet & asst were so sweet to her and we held her head & petted/loved her while it went thru her. She started getting sleepy & we just told her good girl & ok (which we always said to her when was scared & to relax her). It was very fast & peaceful. They let us alone with her while we cried & hugged and petted her for the last times. Then I had to go. I couldn't see her dead anymore.
I would do it again, over & over. Mike was VERY thankful I made him go (he didn't put up a fight once I told him he would regret it). But the thing with me is that *that* is what I will remember. An orange blanket will always remind me of Tejah dying. Always. I want to visualize the fun times and *this* is what will be stuck in my memory for a very long time. *That* is the only reason I don't want to be with my animals when they get put down. But I always WILL. For them.
So yeah - after hours & hours crying yesterday afternoon, to at the vets, to all night last night & this morning/today - our eyes look like marshmellows & feel like they were rolled in sandpaper & stuck back in the sockets. I probably look like I was punched or something. It's just so weird...how much she was a part of our every day life. The midgets do not make dog noise, I now realize. The big dog click-clicks on the wood floors, the collar tags, the noise and presence of a big dog. It's too...quiet.
My head hurts, my nose hurts, my throat hurts, my stomach hurts and my heart hurts. I feel incomplete. I woke up this morning to her bark. Obviously a dream, but it startled me awake like it was real. And when I came home today, (I had stopped by Del Taco) and gave the midgets a french fry, I called out to her to come get one. And stared at my pile of fries when I had realized what I had done and, of course, busted out sobbing. Fuck me.
We're going to just stay with the little dogs for now. For a few years for Abbie to mature & not be such a pain in the ass. I'm in no hurry. Tejah isn't replaceable but I can't see us NOT getting another bigger breed ever. I mean, I can see us sooner than he can. She is that one in a lifetime dog for a family. That one that the old couple is sitting on the porch going "Remember when Tejah..." etc etc. She was just an AWESOME animal. I don't think we'll have another...but I hope we get close. Mike is really torn up. Remember that he didn't grow up with animals. This is his FIRST that he truly loved like you & I do the animals. So he is really hurt. I expected him to keep it in somewhat like he always does with sorrow or sad things, but I'm really glad he is being open. IDthink he can help it, lol.
What's that saying, "A heart that hurts is a heart that works." Yeah - mine's in over time right now.
I was fine until she waited for a decision and I went to explain, "My husband was supposed to be here" and I started crying. She was so nice tho. She's the first vet that like...understood. Know what I mean? She hugged me & said she was sorry. I said I'd take her home & then we'd come back tomorrow. She made it clear that Tejah wasn't to play ball or anything, that the threat of it bursting and her bleeding to death internally was high. So, of course, besides crying on the way to the vet, I really balled coming home. Mike was there and I walked in crying. When he found out she had a tumor, he sorta asked why I just didn't 'do it'. Hello - I told him I couldn't do that alone! So, she was feeling bad again - probably from all the getting in & out of the car etc etc and he just said we needed to do this. He was fine until he *really* accepted it. Then he was crying & crying & sobbing - which, of course, made me cry 10x worse!!! He laid next to her & just petted her & cried & talked to her. It was so sad :( :( He did that for a good hour and then I said that the worse was yet to come. He realized what I meant and he totally choked and said he couldn't do it. He couldn't watch her die. I said I was NOT letting her die alone with strangers. That she deserved to be not scared. He just cried more & more. He then called the vet's to see when the latest we could do it was, bc at this point, it meant her being in pain a whole other day and us having to go thru *this* all over again the next day (which would have been today). The vet said she would do it at 6pm (they close at 7pm) so we headed out & showed up. Both crying.
They were sooo nice tho. Had a blanket out for her and we called her over & she came. Layed down when we told her to. The vet & asst were so sweet to her and we held her head & petted/loved her while it went thru her. She started getting sleepy & we just told her good girl & ok (which we always said to her when was scared & to relax her). It was very fast & peaceful. They let us alone with her while we cried & hugged and petted her for the last times. Then I had to go. I couldn't see her dead anymore.
I would do it again, over & over. Mike was VERY thankful I made him go (he didn't put up a fight once I told him he would regret it). But the thing with me is that *that* is what I will remember. An orange blanket will always remind me of Tejah dying. Always. I want to visualize the fun times and *this* is what will be stuck in my memory for a very long time. *That* is the only reason I don't want to be with my animals when they get put down. But I always WILL. For them.
So yeah - after hours & hours crying yesterday afternoon, to at the vets, to all night last night & this morning/today - our eyes look like marshmellows & feel like they were rolled in sandpaper & stuck back in the sockets. I probably look like I was punched or something. It's just so weird...how much she was a part of our every day life. The midgets do not make dog noise, I now realize. The big dog click-clicks on the wood floors, the collar tags, the noise and presence of a big dog. It's too...quiet.
My head hurts, my nose hurts, my throat hurts, my stomach hurts and my heart hurts. I feel incomplete. I woke up this morning to her bark. Obviously a dream, but it startled me awake like it was real. And when I came home today, (I had stopped by Del Taco) and gave the midgets a french fry, I called out to her to come get one. And stared at my pile of fries when I had realized what I had done and, of course, busted out sobbing. Fuck me.
We're going to just stay with the little dogs for now. For a few years for Abbie to mature & not be such a pain in the ass. I'm in no hurry. Tejah isn't replaceable but I can't see us NOT getting another bigger breed ever. I mean, I can see us sooner than he can. She is that one in a lifetime dog for a family. That one that the old couple is sitting on the porch going "Remember when Tejah..." etc etc. She was just an AWESOME animal. I don't think we'll have another...but I hope we get close. Mike is really torn up. Remember that he didn't grow up with animals. This is his FIRST that he truly loved like you & I do the animals. So he is really hurt. I expected him to keep it in somewhat like he always does with sorrow or sad things, but I'm really glad he is being open. IDthink he can help it, lol.
What's that saying, "A heart that hurts is a heart that works." Yeah - mine's in over time right now.
3 comments:
:(
Gawd this just sucks so hard to read this.....
My *baby*dog is 10 yrs old. I'm going to be a flippin disaster & mess when I hafto deal with this oneday. My <3 is with you~
((((Lots of hugs & real love to you))))
*sob*
I still get choked up and teary when I think about her being gone. She was one exceptional girl.
I vividly remember the first time I met her as a puppy, when we went to the desert for New Years one year and she was wearing her little puppy coat and stealing everyone's chairs when they got up from the bon fire.
I'm so sorry honey.... :(
I totally understand what you are going through. I had to put one of my "babies" down last year and it was the hardest thing I had to do. The memory of him biting me as the medicine kicked in and then peacefully going to sleep... Your story made me bawl. I'm so sorry for what you and Mike have had to go through. It's absolutely heart breaking but thank God that you do have a whole slew of memories of her close to your heart. (((you)))
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